At the heart of all passionate educators is a deep desire to see young people succeed. As an educator (and a parent), I can relate. Watching a student’s eyes light up after a newly found realization is a dopamine hit like no other. It’s probably why I can remember most of the 150 high school students who I had the pleasure of getting to know during my first year of teaching almost 20 years ago. Like so many first year teachers, I spent all of my time considering new ways to support them in their success. Despite the changes the field has endured since my early years, one thing hasn’t changed: the heart of educators. They show up each day because they care so deeply – which is exactly why it is so difficult for them to see their students’ “fail.” 

This desire to help is the Achilles heel of all educators because learning occurs at the point of challenge. I know this to be true from my life experience, but also because Ron Ritchhart said so. Ritchhart and his research at Project Zero, Harvard Graduate School of Education’s Research Group, has been a lightpost for me (and so many others) over my entire career. I was recently at a conference where Ritchhart was a featured speaker and he shared more about how learning and challenge go hand in hand. I couldn’t help but think about how his research focused on teachers and students applied to parents and their children and our TVS belief that failure is essential to learning. 

Ritchhart shares that despite the fact that we can all acknowledge that in order to learn we must face challenges, make mistakes, and even fail, we do all that we can to prevent our students from experiencing those things. I think many parents (myself included) fall into the same trap. Ritchhart offered not one, but eight reasons why we avoid the challenge zone with our students. As you read through the list, replace the word teacher with parent and the word student with child, and notice how many you can identify in your own practice as a parent: 

1. Teachers don’t see the benefit from learning from mistakes and we aren’t rewarded for them. 
2. Teachers want all our students to be successful…all of the time.
3. Teachers fear student frustration. 
4. Failure of any kind is seen as a negative reflection on us as teachers. 
5. Teachers are used to procedural explanations and giving good explanations to reduce grappling and increase efficiency. 
6. The benefits of direct instruction have been oversold. 
7. Mistakes and challenges feel inefficient and messy. 
8. Teachers are outcome driven, looking for correctness above all else, so we value products over process. 

If you’re like me, you were nodding your head at just about everyone on that list. Don’t feel too humbled, yet – learning occurs at the point of challenge, remember? All of these resonated with me as I listened through the lens of an educator- but two really stuck out to me when I considered the list through the lens of a parent. 

Number 3: Teachers have a low tolerance for student frustration. I am way more comfortable with other children’s frustrations than the frustrations of my own – mostly because I don’t have the time or patience. (I really hope you’re nodding your head here, and I’m not revealing a deficiency in my parenting because you’ll read more about that in a few paragraphs). Lisa Damour offers a reason for this low tolerance. She claims that being the parent of a tween or teen requires one to be an “emotional garbage can,” there to collect all of the feelings of your child as they learn to deal with, react to, and process their feelings. Lately, I find this to be one of the most challenging aspects of parenthood (specifically when rushing out the door in the morning, or after a long week at work). 

Educational research indicates that educators share this low tolerance for struggle and frustration and often define their role as someone whose job it is to remove discomfort from students. The issue, as Ritchhart points out, is that when teachers remove the challenge (emotional or academic) learned helplessness and low self-esteem ensue. The reality is, that if deep learning is what we are after, discomfort is a prerequisite. Teachers (like parents) need to learn to deal.

Number 4: Failure of any kind is seen as a direct reflection of me as a parent. Is it not? This reminds me of one of our recent parent book club picks, Never Enough, where the author references the immense amount of pressure parents (especially affluent parents) put on their children to be the best at whatever they attempt – all because our children’s success are a direct reflection of us and our ability and competencies as parents. Dr. Becky would call this co-dependence and Krissy Posatek would call this enmeshment, and they both would agree that this is unhealthy and severely misguided. 

Educational researchers also suggest this to be misguided. In fact, several studies have shown that explaining too much or even providing too clear directions can actually be detrimental to learning. Bjork’s research on this topic posits a strong connection between “grappling” and deep learning. In a world that prioritizes ease and convenience, what we actually need to learn is to grapple more, because ease and convenience do not, in fact, improve human performance – or learning. 

Despite our propensity to avoid challenges for both ourselves as parents and for our children, there are some things Ritchhart suggests we do to encourage and support what we are all after: deep and meaningful learning experiences. Most encouraging to me as a TVS parent and guide is that according to the experts, the best way to lean into challenges is to ensure that the decision making power is in the hands of the learner. 

At The Village School our learners are always chasing their “challenge zone” whether it’s a new badge book they are reading or a new math skill they are learning. Guides across all of our studios often lead discussions focused on the challenge zone and learners are well versed in how to identify what is challenging to them, what’s too easy, and what feels too difficult. Our school and studio culture values challenge and failure despite how uncomfortable it might make the adults, because we know the powerful learning that always results. 

What we (the adults) must focus on is building up our tolerance for challenges, recognizing the powerful impact it will have on our kids. Ritchhart suggests that an indicator of an educator’s effectiveness should not be how many students in the classroom are “succeeding” but rather how many learners are encountering a struggle, because this is an indicator that deep learning is happening. As a parent, I’m going to work on my tolerance for this. The next time one of my kids is grappling with what to pack for lunch or how to divide fractions I’m going to do my best to resist the urge to remove the challenge and instead lean in (while hiding from them in the bathroom).